Steamed Hays
by Bandicoot Sauce
Summary: ...But it's a My Little Pony fanfic, and it's obviously grilled. Starlight Glimmer has her hooves full trying to prepare lunch for Twilight Sparkle, and as usual, everything goes to Tartarus (not literally). Friendship Is Magic universe. Inspired by the now infamous Simpsons meme.


**Steamed Hays**

A knock at the Castle of Friendship's front door made Starlight's head jerk up, the lavender mare having been engrossed in the preparation of the salad she intended to serve alongside the tofu roast that Spike was in charge of preparing. Starlight glanced over at the little dragon, who gave her a thumbs up before inhaling deeply, turning to face the roast the stood on the kitchen bench in a metal tray, well basted and seasoned. Realising what he was about to do, Starlight quickly lit up her unicorn horn with magic, hastily levitating the purple dragon away from the main course.

"No, no, no, spike! Just put it in the oven! You don't need to roast it with your dragon breath!" she told him.

"Aw, but it's more satisfying for a dragon like me to cook it with my own fire!" Spike insisted.

_"No dragon fire,"_ Starlight told him firmly as another knock sounded in the distance. "Twilight just got back from Canterlot and I want everything to be perfect in order to welcome her home. I don't want her coming home to another disaster," she said, her gaze growing distant as she remembered the chaotic mess she had unintentionally presented Twilight with the last time the Princess of Friendship had come home from a long trip. They still hadn't gotten all of Fluttershy's spiders out of the walls, and a few of the castle's rooms still smelt of mould thanks to the moisture provided by those out-of-control rain clouds of Rainbow Dash's.

Taking a quick glance in one of the silver saucepans that hung overhead to make sure her mane looked presentable, Starlight teleported to the castle's main hall and opened the front door just before Twilight, who was starting to grow concerned, if not suspicious, could knock for a third time. The Alicorn princess ended up lowering her raised hoof as the door swung inward to reveal a nervously smiling Starlight Glimmer.

"Welcome home, Twilight," Starlight greeted warmly. "I hope you're hungry, because Spike and I are cooking up a real surprise."

"A _pleasant_ surprise, I would hope," Twilight said half-seriously, returning Starlight's smile as she stepped inside, levitating her saddle bag onto a nearby coat hook. "Preferably one that doesn't involve the _Fiducia Compelus_ spell… or more to the point, a spider infestation mixed with rogue rain clouds."

Starlight blushed, knowing that Twilight was joking (sort of), but was still embarrassed about the previous incident all the same. "Once again, I'm really sorry about that," she assured her mentor as the two mares trotted through the castle's corridors in stride with one another. "I hope that today's lunch will go at least some way to put that little… _fiasco_ behind us."

"Well, I _am_ pretty hungry," Twilight admitted, her stomach rumbling right on cue. She gave a light chuckle. "Need any help putting the finishing touches on the food?"

"No need. You just go and make yourself comfortable at the Cutie Map table and I… Pardon me, _we_ shall see to it that your dining experience is a pleasant one, Mademoiselle Sparkle," Starlight finished with a hint of playful teasing, putting on a mock French accent for the latter half of her sentence. Twilight laughed, which Starlight saw as a good sign, the Princess of Friendship heading off down one corridor while Starlight made her way back to the kitchen, and as she did so, the unicorn started to grow worried, and not without reason. She could smell something. Something smoky.

_Too_ smoky.

"Oh, no, don't tell me…" Starlight trailed off, teleporting the rest of the way to the kitchen, appearing in a cloud of thick smoke that made her cough and splutter. Spike was frantically running around, trying to fan the smoke away with a tea towel. It was then that Starlight saw the roast. It was still on the bench in the tray, but it was now on fire. Green fire.

"Spike, I told you not to - _cough_ \- cook it with your - _cough_ \- dragon breath!" Starlight cried over the sound of the smoke alarm - a crystalline device that had been gifted to Twilight by her relatives over in the Crystal Empire - beeping incessantly.

"I didn't! I sneezed right when I was about to move it into the oven!" Spike replied, still flailing the tea towel about rather uselessly, Starlight hurried over to the window and flung it open with her magic, letting the smoke billow out the side of the castle and clear the air in the kitchen somewhat. She turned back to the roast in time to see Spike tip a bucket of water over it. There was a great hiss as the green flames went out, and when Starlight approached to inspect the damage, she found herself staring at a blackened, shrivelled husk of a once proud hunk of tofu. What had once been moulded in the shape of a roast beast was now a charred, unidentifiable and no doubt inedible mass. The unicorn's heart sank.

"Oh, sweet Celestia, _look_ at it! Our roast is _ruined!"_ she moaned sadly, "And Twilight's sitting upstairs waiting for a lunch fit for a princess' homecoming!"

"Well, we… We still have the salad," Spike offered helpfully, gesturing to the bowl of tomato slices and lettuce leaves that rested on the far end of the bench. "Maybe we could just serve that with some Apple Family cider or something…"

But Starlight was hardly listening to Spike. She was staring out the open window, seeing Sugarcube Corner, the bakery where Pinkie Pie, a mutual friend of Twilight and Starlight, worked. "Or _maybe_ we could purchase some baked goods and disguise them as our own cooking," she mused aloud, turning back to Spike with a sly grin on her face, a sly grin that the little dragon didn't particularly like.

"I dunno. Isn't that kind of… y'know… dishonest?" Spike asked warily. "I can just imagine what Applejack would say…"

"Applejack's not here," Starlight pointed out. "Besides, we don't have time to debate the matter. We need to get lunch served before Twilight decides to come and check on us. She barely trusts me to do anything without her supervision as it is. If she sees that I couldn't even make a simple lunch, she'll probably give me another dozen mandatory extra-curricular friendship lessons to work through, and I'm stressed enough trying to live up to _half_ of her _current_ expectations of me!" she declared, her eye twitching. "Come on, Spike, just let me have this one! It'll be fine! No mind control! No spiders or rain clouds! I just teleport down to the market, buy some pastries and teleport back! What could go wrong?" she asked with a slightly crazy smile on her face.

Spike groaned apprehensively. "Okay, okay. Just hurry back. If Twilight comes to investigate, I won't know what to tell her. You know how hard it is for me to lie to her of all ponies."

"If she asks, tell her I've gone to, uh… stretch my hooves on a windowsill elsewhere in the castle!" Starlight told him, that smile of hers gradually growing wider... and crazier.

"And why would you be doing that?" Spike enquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Because it's isometric exercise, of course!" Starlight stated. "Ugh! I don't have time for this!" On that note, she teleported away, leaving Spike to shake his head in exasperation.

It was right then that Twilight came through the kitchen door behind Spike, causing the little dragon to nearly jump out of his scales.

"Ah!" he cried, quickly throwing the tea towel over the ruined roast to conceal it. "I mean, _oh!"_ he quickly corrected himself. "Hi, Twilight! Is something wrong?" he asked, desperately trying to play innocent… and not entirely succeeding.

"I just came to see what was taking so… long," Twilight said, sniffing the air as she stepped forward. "Spike, why do I smell smoke?" she asked warily.

"Smoke? Th-That's not smoke!" Spike stammered. "That's, um… steam! Steam from the steamed wheys we're having for lunch! Y-Yeah! Steamed wheys!"

Twilight stared at him. "Steamed wheys? But aren't wheys just little milk curdles or something to that effect?"

Spike blinked. "I… guess?" he managed with a nervous smile. "V-Very nutritious, steamed wheys are! They, uh, put scales on your chest!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow, starting to see through the cracks of Spike's excuses. "Spike, if I didn't know you better, I'd think you were trying to keep something from me," the alicorn said. She glanced around. "Where's Starlight?"

Before Spike could try and fail to come up with an answer, Starlight suddenly teleported in directly behind Twilight, and it was all Spike could do to refrain from screaming, knowing that if Twilight turned around, both the dragon and unicorn would be busted. Starlight had a large brown paper bag clutched between her teeth. Spike recognised the logo of a local fast food establishment on the bag; it seemed that Starlight had changed her mind about buying baked goods from Pinkie Pie.

Wide-eyed, Starlight teleported away again, leaving a nerve-wracked Spike to fend for himself.

"Well? Where is she?" Twilight repeated, starting to grow suspicious.

"She's… She's…" Spike struggled desperately to think of an excuse, sweat pouring off his brow.

"I'm right here," Starlight said as she stepped through the kitchen doorway, prompting Spike to collapse on the floor in relief. Twilight didn't notice, for she had turned at the sound of Starlight's voice. "Just had to run to the bathroom real quick," the unicorn said brightly. The paper bag she had been carrying was gone.

Twilight glanced from Starlight's meek smile to the unfinished salad on the bench to the ruined roast that was still concealed by Spike's tea towel, the still present smell of smoke very clearly emanating from it.

"Starlight, are you _sure_ you've got the lunch situation under control?" she asked, meeting Starlight's eyes with a gaze that, while not piercing, silently implored her fellow mare to be honest.

"Of course!" Starlight said with that same shaky nonchalance. "Why wouldn't I have it under control?"

Twilight frowned. "Well, if you are having difficulties, you understand that you can always ask me for help, right?"

"Right!" Starlight replied, that stupid smile still plastered on her face. Realising that she wasn't going to get anywhere with either of her housemates at present, Twilight left the room quietly without glancing back. Once she was gone, Starlight exhaled deeply, using her magic to summon the paper bag of food from its hiding place. Spike sat up, rubbing the back of his head. He could feel a stress headache coming on.

"Oh, man, what a day," the little dragon complained. "So, what did you get?" he asked, eyeing the paper bag that Starlight was now levitating over onto the bench.

"Hayburgers," Starlight responded bluntly. "A half dozen hayburgers. I'm gonna lay them out neatly on a big platter and garnish it with the tomatoes and lettuce. Best we can do on short notice."

"But I told Twilight we were having steamed wheys!" Spike cried worriedly. "What's she gonna say when we march out there with a tray full of hayburgers?!"

For a brief moment, Starlight looked absolutely exasperated, but then that smile, that sly smile that Spike didn't like crept onto her face again.

* * *

Twilight looked up from reading a book detailing the life of Star Swirl The Bearded as Starlight came in with the hayburger platter, the unicorn looking more genuinely cheerful than before.

"Twilight, I hope you're hungry for some mouthwatering hayburgers!" Starlight practially sang merrily as she levitated the platter onto the ornate table on which the Cutie Map was regularly displayed.

"I thought we were having steamed wheys," Twilight said, eyeing the platter with a mixture of skepticism and undeniable hunger.

"Steamed wheys?" Starlight very suddenly burst out laughing. "Is that what Spike told you? Oh, he got it all mixed up! It's steamed _hays!_ That's what I call hayburgers!"

Twilight blinked. "Steamed… hays?" She repeated slowly, giving Starlight a strange look.

"Yep. Can't beat a good steamed hay!" Starlight said brightly as she took a seat opposite Twilight, levitating one of the burgers towards her without hesitation, taking a bite out of it and savouring the taste, burger sauce smearing on her muzzle.

"You call hayburgers 'steamed hays'?" Twilight repeated, raising an eyebrow at her fellow mare.

"Yep. It's a slang term I picked up when I was a filly," Starlight elaborated, licking some of the sauce from around her mouth. "Mmm. That's a good sauce. I'll have to ask the restaura— I mean, _Spike_ for the recipe later," she corrected herself.

"I've never heard anypony use the expression 'steamed hay'." Twilight admitted. "Where's it from?"

Starlight froze, her burger halfway to her mouth. "Pardon?"

"The expression. Where'd it originate from?"

"Um… Fillydelphia?" Starlight tried, hoping that the bright red burger sauce was hiding her nervous blush.

"Hmm," Twilight mused thoughtfully. "I've only been to Fillydelphia a few times, but I've never heard anypony use the term 'steamed hay'. Are you sure it's from there?"

"Oh, n-no! I was actually thinking of Baltimare," Starlight elaborated, chuckling nervously. "Don't know why I said Fillydelphia."

"…I see," Twilight said slowly, once again starting to see the cracks in her housemate's story. The Princess of Friendship helped herself to a hayburger and bit into it, chewing thoughtfully. "Hmm. If I may say so, Starlight, these hayburgers you made seem quite similar to the ones they sell locally."

Starlight, who had just taken a big bite out of her own burger, nearly choked on it. She forced the food down her throat so she could speak once more. "No, no, goodness, no! Patented Glimmer burgers, these! Old family recipe! M-Minus the sauce, that is. That was Spike's handiwork," she said, her nerves starting to betray her through her voice.

"For steamed hays?" Twilight repeated. "The 'family recipe', I mean."

"Yes," Starlight said with that forced brightness she had used earlier, an utterly terrified smile on her sauce-covered visage.

"Yes, and you call them steamed hays," Twilight began, levitating the top bun off her burger to expose the fried hay patty, "Despite the fact that _these_ hayburgers… are very obviously _grilled."_

Starlight felt the colour drain out of her cheeks beneath the sauce. "W-Well… Th-That is… Y-You see…" she stammered hopelessly. Twilight narrowed her eyes at her housemate, and after a brief moment, the unicorn buckled. "Oh, alright! I admit it!" she exclaimed. "Spike and I accidentally burned the tofu roast we were preparing, and I tried to cover up the mistake by sneaking out to buy fast food and claiming it was my own cooking! I'm sorry!" With that, the unicorn hung her head in shame. A sad sniff escaped her. "I guess I really can't do anything right without you watching over me," she mumbled, sounding like she was on the verge of tears.

Twilight smiled sadly, her horn glowing with magic as she levitated Starlight up and over the table, much to the unicorn's surprise. Twilight brought Starlight within reach of herself and pulled her into a hug.

"Nonsense," the Alicorn princess told her housemate and friend reassuringly. "You just needed to be honest with me, that's all. We all need a little help sometimes, Starlight. Don't ever be afraid to ask for it."

Starlight sniffed again, meeting Twilight's eyes with her own misty ones. "I guess I didn't want you to think I was… incapable, especially after last time."

"Last time is in the past. I want to help you here in the present, Starlight, so you can have a better future," Twilight told her friend softly as she broke off the hug. "We're in this together, Starlight. You and me and…"

Twilight sniffed the air. There it was again - the smell of smoke, only now it was much stronger than before. Starlight's eyes widened; she could smell it, too.

"SPIKE!" They both called before leaping up and racing to the kitchen. Twilight's face was aghast at the sight of the curtains that billowed in front of the kitchen window, said curtains ablaze with green fire. Spike, on his part, was trying to get the situation under control with a fire extinguisher he had found, but he was having trouble getting the nozzle's safety clip to release.

"Just what is going on around here today?!" Twilight exclaimed as she wrenched the fire extinguisher from Spike's grasp with her magic, casting the safety clip aside easily and coating the curtains in a steady stream of flame-suppressing foam, quickly putting the blaze out.

"Uh… Would you believe… aurora borealis?" Spike asked sheepishly, a meek smile on his face.

Twilight stared at him like he was mad. "You… I… _What?!"_ she spluttered in disbelieving bafflement. "Aurora borealis?! At _this_ time of year, at _this_ time of day, in _this_ part of Equestria, localised entirely within my kitchen?! And even if that _were_ the case, how does it explain the curtains being on fire?!"

Starlight put a hoof around Twilight reassuringly. "Never mind, Twilight. It's all over and done with now. What d'you say we finish lunch, clean up the kitchen and write a letter to Princess Celestia about the whole thing? She might get a laugh out of it."

Twilight glared at Starlight as though she had uttered some obscene taboo, and then cracked a smile in spite of herself.

"You know what? That actually sounds like a _very_ good idea!" she said, her voice dripping with misplaced insanity. Starlight and Spike laughed knowingly and pulled their mutual friend into a group hug.

* * *

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_Today, Starlight learned that she needn't be afraid to ask for help from others when she needs it._

_Spike learned that the kitchen is not a good place for a dragon to be sneezing in… and that fire extinguishers take a certain degree of skill to wield effectively. Rest assured, he'll be well-versed in future._

_As for me, I learned that while Starlight Glimmer can be an odd mare at times, I must say that she steams a good hay._

_Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle._

**The End**


End file.
